Domestic emasculation
By Aphiwe Cotiyana
It is harder for men to walk away from abusive relationships, especially if there are children involved, because they fear that it might not be easy for them to get custody. Men are told that ‘real men don’t cry’ every time they try to show their emotions. If a guy admits that he has been physically or emotionally abused or, he is seen as ‘weak’ and people think that he has failed in his ‘male duties’. Researchers have suggested that a large number of women approve of male abuse and some of the women who were asked admitted to physically and emotionally abusing their boyfriends or husbands. They see nothing wrong with it.
An abusive wife or partner might hit, bite, spit at or destroy the victim’s possessions. Domestic violence is not limited to physical violence but also verbal abuse or humiliation in front of friends, family, social networks or colleagues. Domestic violence can have a gradual psychological impact on both the victim and the children.
South Africa has one of the highest rates of domestic violence against men, even though most South African men are seen as ‘monsters’. Not all of these men are rapists and killers. Men can also be victims of domestic violence: three out of every ten victims of domestic violence are men, but many of them do not report abuse. There are many challenges that pressure men not to report: lack of resources, social stigma and the law normally favours women. Men also don’t have the same resources as women as they are not included in ‘16 Days of Activism’. Nothing is dedicated to abused men. Some reports show that 30% of domestic violence victims are men.
Men are seen as strong ‘protectors’ of the family and people believe that nothing can bring them down - especially women. As tough as men are perceived to be, they can be victims of domestic violence just like women. Men can also be victims of all forms of abuse. Even though male abuse is approved in some communities, most television programs have an influence on such behaviour. In any TV programmes, if a man hits a woman it is seen as abuse… but if a woman assaults a man it’s not seen as a big deal. Campaigners claim that men are treated as ‘second-class victims’: male victims are somehow invisible to authorities. A large number of victims don’t get much help and some of the organisations have a very backward understanding of male abuse.
FAMSA has offices nationwide. To find your nearest FAMSA branch, call (011) 975 7101
Email: national@famsa.org.za or visit their website www.famsa.org.za
Lifeline provides 24-hour counselling services to help victims recover. Contact them at the SA National Counselling line 0864 322 322
SAPS: 10 111
South Africans are starting to acknowledge that domestic violence against men is a crime. Men who are abused can seek help at the organisations mentioned below.
